Many times we come up against conflict or discord with another because of our differences—differences in culture, age, background, resources, knowledge base, preferences, or attitude (to site just a few). However, if we bolster our ability to communicate, namely our gifts of speaking and listening, we can often bridge those differences, work well together and coexist in harmony. Strong communication skills can truly allow us to celebrate our differences rather than just tolerating them!

Non-Violent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshal Rosenberg, offers a cutting-edge model to build stronger communication skills. Here’s a brief explanation of this powerful but gentle communication innovation.

NVC is often referred to as the “language of the heart”, as it awakens empathy and honesty. It can help minimize conflict, increase understanding and maximize cooperation and harmony in any relationship or group. Non-Violent Communication also increases our chances of getting what we want by guiding us on ways to express ourselves that elicit cooperation rather than combat.

The process of NVC works because it encourages us to be mindful, attentive—to what we say, how we say it, and to how we listen. It helps us communicate about what is really happening and what’s important. And it supports us in omitting words, tone of voice and behaviors that cause others to go into a defensive stance.

The real nuts and bolts of NVC are that it helps us shift our focus off the circumstances creating the problem (usually the stuff or the “story” on the surface) and brings our focus to the needs that are not being met, (usually deep down inside the problem). We all need basically the same things: resources that sustain us, respect, freedom, kindness, etc. When needs are expressed, the listener often recognizes the others humanity. “Hey, they need the same things I need.” Once the common ground is experienced, typically, the doors of cooperation open rather than close. NVC is a powerful tool to create unity amidst diversity.

There are two sides of the NVC model: the listener, who practices empathic listening, and the speaker, who honestly expresses him or her self, calmly and clearly. When each person speaks, they utilize a four-step process where they succinctly describe their observations, feelings, needs, and requests. NVC is effective even when only one person in a conversation is using it, however, it is more effective when both parties use these simple guidelines. Here’s how it works:

Make an agreement about which person will speak first. The speaker is advised to take a few deep breathes before talking, to help calm his/her emotions. Begin speaking in a clear and audible voice, a peaceful tone and in short, succinct statements. Speak in “I” statements (“When I saw.”, “When I heard…“) about what you (the speaker) have observed (not what you felt, conjectured or assumed) about the situation. You can then ask you partner to repeat what you said, to confirm that they understand. If they do not repeat it with accuracy, explain your observation once again, letting them repeat when you have finished. When they repeat it correctly, move to the second step, which is to talk about how the situation makes you feel. Ask them to repeat. Refine and clarify until they get it. Then express what it is that you need. When they get that, you can make a clear and realistic request. When they have fully understood you, switch roles— you listen and repeat, as they share their observations, feelings needs and request with you.

Listening is just as important, if not more so, than speaking. When the other person begins to speak, listen closely; really pay attention, so you can fully understand their point of view. Listen with empathy—open your heart and mind; enter their world for a moment. Imaging what it is like being them. How does it feel to have their experience? This will give you great insight into their reality, which is the “stuff” that creates bridges. Listen to their observations, to what and how they perceive their situation. Listen to their feelings without defense or excuses. Listen to what they really need. And listen carefully to what they are asking for. Negotiate your requests until a mutual agreement is found and stated.

When you practice NVC, you will increase your ability to express your feelings without attacking. This will help minimize the likelihood of facing defensive reactions in others. The skills will help you make clear requests, all of which supports you in getting what you want, whether that’s more money, more love or more respect… NVC skills will help you receive critical and hostile messages without taking them personally, giving in, or losing self-esteem. They will be useful with your team members, supervisors, co-workers, family, children, spouse and friends. These skills can also be very useful with your own internal dialogues—increasing positive and supportive messages to your self.

NVC is a clear and effective model for communicating in a way that is cooperative, conscious, and compassionate. Like any skill, practice makes perfect. Try it at home tonight with one of your kids or significant other. Speak about your observations, without blaming them. Share with them your feelings, that you are hurt or scared. Reveal what your are really needing. (This is the hardest part, because it is the most vulnerable place. And this is the where the magic lies- where the differences transform into unity … because we all need the same things … more love, care, respect…) Then ask them politely for what you want from them. This puts all the cards on the table. They are as clear as you are about what you feel, need and want. They have entered your inner world, where empathy naturally blossoms, just like flowers in the sun.

NVC is a tool that truly allows our differences to work for us rather than against us, and to really Celebrate Differences! When we understand that even though we’re all different on the surface, deep down we all have the same needs, a commonality is established. When we are grounded in unity, we can truly enjoy all the “spices” in any group. So practice NVC. Integrate this simple technique into your communications with others, and watch your relationships heal, grow and flourish.